The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Larena Tannert is a journalism junior and opinion columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
Get in girls, we’re going shopping. Why? Because I have nothing to wear. My closet, which is full, actually contains nothing. It is stocked with beautiful yet horrible clothes that nobody should ever buy, but also that I will never ever get rid of.
I can feel your judgment from here. Yes, I own five pairs of black leggings, but they are completely, fundamentally, legally distinct clothing items. One is high-waisted, one is flared, one has pockets. You would not ask someone why they own both a fork and a spoon. I am asking for that same basic human respect.
In today’s “environmentalist” world against fast fashion waste, nobody appreciates a casual hoarder. So I’ve compiled the five totally rational reasons I should keep buying clothes to get my mom off my back for spending too much on her credit card.
- I have nothing to wear (despite the 200 items in my closet)
My closet is full. Completely, structurally, the-rod-is-starting-to-collapse full.
And yet, when I open it every morning, I see nothing. Just two hundred items staring back at me, completely useless. Not a single one wearable for reasons I cannot fully explain, but feel deeply in my soul.
This is a documented phenomenon. Scientists at UC Davis have studied it (they have nothing better to do). The more clothes you own, the more acutely you feel you have nothing to wear. This leads to the obvious and only logical solution: own more clothes. Eventually, statistically, something works. I am simply respecting the science and our dear Aggie friends.
- It was on sale, which means I technically made money
That white tank top I bought yesterday is completely different from the one I bought last month. Why? This one is a v-neck. The other is a scoop neck. I may be a CLA baddie, but I can tell you this: scientifically, they are not the same shirt.
Also, get this, it was 40% off. By the inviolable laws of girl math, I am saving money by spending the money. If I don’t buy it, I lose $18 into the void forever. I am simply preventing financial loss. You’re welcome, my (mom’s) bank account.
- I need to be prepared for every possible scenario, including but not limited to meeting celebrity encounters
What if I get invited somewhere nice? What if I run into Chris Hemsworth at the gym? What if I’m randomly selected to star on a reality TV show with no prior warning or audition process? What if the love of my life is also at Trader Joe’s on a random Tuesday (Harry Styles, I’m looking at you), and we reach for the same bag of chips at the same time and our eyes meet in the snack aisle?
These are not hypotheticals. These are inevitabilities that I have calculated using advanced math and a Pinterest vision board. There are millions of possible scenarios that may happen every single day. I need to be prepared. That mini skirt hanging in my closet with the tags still on is the same as an emergency fund, except it earns better returns and looks incredible in a crisis.
- Financial investments in my future
My newest dress (and the one before that) is not an impulse buy. It is a carefully considered financial decision backed by hours of standing in a dressing room under harsh lighting and sending photos to my group chat. I will wear it constantly: predictions indicate two wears, possibly three if I get invited to the premiere of the next season of Heated Rivalry, which I fully expect to happen.
When you calculate the cost-per-wear across those two to three occasions, the dress practically pays for itself. Plus, if I wear it to an interview or other professional event, in a way I’m being paid to wear it. I’m basically a finance bro, except instead of cryptocurrency, I’m investing in a strapless dress.
My financial advisor agrees. “Omg yes get it,” she said.
- I deserve it. If you say no to self-care, you’re crossing a boundary
Future me is going to be so grateful. Future me is a few sizes smaller since she finally committed to pilates, and she is going to need outfits. I’m doing her a favor. It’s called thinking ahead, being prepared and taking care of myself, and I think that says a lot about my character.
So yes, I walked out of the mall with three bags when I came for one thing. But can you really put a price on self-care? Actually, yes. It’s $462. But I saved $74 with all those sales, so the real question is: why haven’t I won an Olympic medal for my contributions to the world? Imagine the consequences of me not buying the dress? Checkmate.