It’s Saturday night. The stereotypical college guy is down at the local watering hole getting his groove on, playing the field. He’s wearing shiny black shoes, over-priced, pre-ripped jeans, a long-sleeved collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow and spiked hair, smelling of a mix between AXE body spray and Abercrombie and Fitch. They’re all there for one reason: to get drunk and hook up with some floozy with the same motive. Every weekend night it’s the same scene, with the exception of Mardi Gras when they are all out fighting the cops.
But not me; I’m abstinent.
I won’t delve into the moral reasons for my decision. This isn’t a soapbox, that column is on Tuesdays. I’m a Christian guy and we’ll leave it at that.
A decision to become abstinent until marriage means a person is making a conscious choice to keep their body and mind clean from sexual desire. But this choice is commonly misconstrued. It does not suggest that a person choosing abstinence is less of a man or woman, or is lame because they are choosing something else than the sex-crazed teenagers of our current culture. Don’t believe me? Just watch a Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. commercial; sex does sell.
A sexless life is not an easy one. As we saw last quarter with the oh-so-controversial Salsa Club, sex is all over. But abstinent folks do what they can to steer clear of it. As my friend, comedian Jeff Clinard, says, “We (Christian guys) work out a lot – for this reason: Someday we might get married. Someday we may eventually get in a position to actually have sex, someday. That means someday someone might see us naked, that means we gotta be ready.”
Now me, I’m a healthy eater, but God knows I’m not motivated to work out. You may ask yourself, “Nick, what do you do on Saturday night if you’re not having sex, and you don’t work out?” Well, I answer you with this: Pingpong is fun.
But I do eagerly await my wedding night when my wife and I will engage in a little “in-the-bed-disco,” but until then, no sex. For the old stereotypical Christian mantra, “sex can wait, masturbate,” – do not go there. Sure, I struggle with lust as all Christian people do, but I try my hardest to keep to the straight and narrow.
Now with the technical stuff out of the way, let us explore further into my chosen sexless life. Do not get the impression that abstinence means a person cannot joke, or make light of sex. Friends can argue that I am one of the most liberal people on the planet. And for the record, I think that dirty jokes, mainly euphemisms for poop, are hilarious, and any Christian guy will agree (as well as probably any guy on the face of the Earth for that matter) that “boner” is one damn funny word.
Just because I don’t have sex, doesn’t mean I can’t have a good time. I drink, but never to get drunk. I smoke on occasion, even though it is pretty disgusting. Playing post office is enjoyable too, but pingpong is more fun. I do enjoy going to the bars, but not for the same reasons as previously mentioned. As my journalism cronies can attest, I have been found in the window seat of Black Sheep on a Wednesday night drinking Crown Royal and writing a paper.
So available Christian girls, I am single, sexless and can have a good time (or at least I think I so), until marriage. Don’t worry; there are still good, wholesome guys out there. Just look under a rock; you might find one.