Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

Every Tuesday, we used to open up the Mustang Daily trembling with anticipation. Just like a Golden Ticket, there lies Jack Ingram’s wonderful “Soapbox Diaries.” We’ve read the Diary of Anne Frank, and this is a much better diary. We’d get all excited and call our mothers, making sure to read every word of his column with precision and love. For this, we thank Jack Ingram. Without his column, we surely would not call our mothers.

So imagine our horror to discover that Jack Ingram had finally embarked upon a religious pilgrimage to Mecca. We felt an enormous sense of loss, like the last episode of “Friends,” and there was no Joey coming to bail us out.

Faithful Mustang Daily reader, this is much worse than Kurt Cobain’s death. If Jack Ingram were to kill himself (JACK INGRAM PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOURSELF), he certainly would not shoot himself, because that would make a mess and Jack Ingram is a very sanitary person. Also, if Jack Ingram were to date humans and not fellow demigods, he certainly would not go steady with Courtney Love. Note: Romans did believe Courtney Love was the God of Whoring.

Hey Jack Ingram, sir, we have a deal for you. Not only is the Mustang Daily willing to give you your column back, but we’ll offer to publish your article in place of ours every other week. We know that we’re the Friday column and that doesn’t carry the cachet of Tuesday, but it’s the best we can do. This way, you can receive 1.5 times the number of Letters to the Editor towards which you can dedicate your column.

However, we are a bit apprehensive about Jack Ingram being in the paper again. Make no mistake, faithful Mustang Daily reader, we want Jack Ingram back. But having devoted so many words here to Jack Ingram, we’re worried about the way he swiftly cuts down all who oppose him, like a Zorro of words, or, like, WordZorro. He can also use the word Bulls–, which we obviously cannot (See that censorship? We didn’t do that).

Historically, Jack Ingram is a very significant figure. Prior to the Napoleonic Era, Jack Ingram visited Italy, made a meatball joke, and destroyed the entire culture. Let’s be clear: This is a very powerful man. If Jerry Bruckheimer were to make a movie about Jack Ingram, it wouldn’t be completed, because Jack Ingram would be there to make critical comments on what Bruckheimer didn’t do in the movie.

Our relationship with Jack Ingram has the possibility of being really complex, if only he would return our calls. Think about it this way: Wayne Gretzky is to gambling as we are to Jack Ingram. Gambling is fun and Wayne Gretzky loves it a little too much.

Oh, he didn’t go on a pilgrimage? We were just looking on the wrong page? That’s just a load of bulls–.

Classy: Spring Break ’06 in Cancun! Surprisingly, a much lower syphilis rate than one would think.

Uncouth: The Enlightenment, for being one huge taint.

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