Ani Nazarian is an English sophomore and satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Fern Shufflebottom, a materials engineering senior, had decided to skip his Calculus IV class one Tuesday afternoon, unaware that his professor had canceled it.
Before arriving at the bars, Shufflebottom requested an extension on his upcoming project that he had not even started yet, and was due at 11:59 pm that night. He claimed he was experiencing “severe and extreme bowel movements” and could not complete the work in time.
After being granted an extension on his Calculus IV assignment, Shufflebottom proceeded to drive downtown with his housemates. After arriving at the bars, Fern decided to take a “small hit” from a marijuana cigarette his friend had offered. However, Shufflebottom had never ingested drugs and found himself in a rather woozy state. Suddenly, integrals seemed a thing of the past.
Upon being overcome by this lightheadedness, his Calculus IV professor suddenly spawned before him, sitting at the counter. He was seen taking a swig of whiskey and yelling obscenities at the replay of the 2011 AFC Championship game.
Shufflebottom began to have a full-blown mental breakdown. He fell to his knees, rebuking God for forsaking him. Tears streamed from his face as he experienced traumatic flashbacks of vector analysis questions on the most recent midterm. Letters seemed to generate out of thin air, whizzing past him like hornets, as he dodged x’s and y’s in a Matrix-esque manner.
He approached his professor and placed a hand on his shoulder, initially intending for it to pass through his body, but found that this was not a doobie-induced hallucination. As the distressed 50-year-old began to turn around, Fern immediately ran away, dialing 911.
The authorities never arrived, but Cal Poly registrar’s office received a withdrawal notice, sent in a drunk frenzy by Shufflebottom. The IP address indicates the form was submitted from the Frog and Peach bathroom floor.