James Mellor

Dry mouth, headache, soreness and slight memory loss.

I had all the symptoms of a classic hangover.

On a Saturday afternoon, cheap pitchers of Natural Light at The Shack had sparked the idea of drinking games among some friends and I. “Seven, 11, doubles,” and “Bud-a-pound,” were the likely culprits.

From there, it was some 40 waters, mixed in with some “beer pong” at a friend’s house while we waited for the night to begin.

Just before we were ready to head up the street, “The Captain” (who goes by the name Morgan) comes in with half a handle of Crown Royal and says we’re not leaving before it’s done. We obviously have no choice but to listen to him, so the 20 of us oblige him by passing the drink in a continuous circle until it’s empty.

We get to the party and it’s fairly crackin’. Some military guys are running the keg, so we throw them a salute and get our cups filled.

Shortly after a mate and I attempt starting a dance party, what begins with around five-to-10 people quickly dwindles down to a one-on-one. However, she and I keep it up until the party’s over.

It’s that magical time between midnight and 1 a.m., and my night is far from done. I’ve lost track of most of the crew except for a few of us who get a cab downtown. I end up rolling solo to Downtown Brew.

Inside Downtown Brew, I see some friends and we have another drink or two, but DJ Holla Back has the place blazing, so I decide it’s time to hit the dance floor.

I see a girl I know and she takes me up on stage to dance. I don’t usually do that type of thing, but tonight, thanks to who knows how much I’ve consumed, I’m feeling it. If there would have been a dance contest at Downtown Brew that night, I’m pretty confident we would have won.

Next thing I know, it’s Sunday morning and I can tell I swallowed at least a keg-worth of alcohol, which brings me back to my condition.

I muster up enough strength to crawl out of bed and drag myself to the refrigerator. Inside is this drink that I got from the Mustang Daily office. It’s called “Urban Detox” by Function, and it claims to be a hangover cure.

Although I initially dismissed the drink as a Gatorade knock-off, the Function Web site claims the drink will “minimize existing hangovers after a night on the town,” so I thought why not give it a shot?

I guzzled the drink in a gulp or two, and to my surprise, it actually worked.

My hangover wasn’t completely gone, but my mouth regained fluid, my mind started to clear and my headache’s intensity decreased.

I wasn’t cured, but I felt a million times better. And after what I put myself through the night before, I wouldn’t expect anything to completely cure my symptoms.

I do realize I could have probably drunk any kind of liquid and it would have helped hydrate me. But I’m not planning on reaching that state any time soon to try the alternatives.

I could conceivably get wasted a few more times and try Gatorade, water or orange juice in the morning, but I’d rather not use my health and body for some sick science experiment.

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