Credit: Grace Kitayama | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Kiana Meagher is a journalism sophomore and satire columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

(Disclaimer: We are all sheltering in place differently, and we acknowledge that it is a significant privilege to be able to spend quarantine doing the following things. A big thank you to the unsung heroes — healthcare workers, food service employees, utility workers and delivery personnel, among others — who work tirelessly to keep our society running.)

Heyo Mustangs! Whether it be shushing people on the fifth floor of the library, doing somersaults on Dexter Lawn or eating at 805 Kitchen, I know you had envisioned your Spring quarter to be going much differently than it is right now.

Now if you’re a lot like me, who has spent lots (and lots and lots) of time consuming TikToks, you’re itching to find something better to do with your time. Here’s how to stay busy during quarantine: 

  1. Dig deep into the archives of your lab partner’s Instagram. Bonus points for finding their mom’s Facebook and finding a photo album of when their family went to Disney World in 2008.
  2. Make bread, I guess? I have no idea when that became a thing.
  3. Finally getting to bed at a decent time. Tuck yourself in by 9 p.m. (but stay up until 3 a.m., watching TikTok videos)
  4. Get ready for an hour to show up fashionably late to your 2 p.m. Zoom philosophy lecture. When the class starts, don’t even turn your camera on. Put on mascara for the mere chance you’ll be put into breakout groups.
  5. Do a face mask. Then do a different face mask the next night. Then another one. Your skin is now breaking out into hives, because the dramatic changes to your skincare routine have left your face super confused as to what is going on. Panic. 
  6. In a moment of weakness, eat all the Nutella in the pantry, and then put the empty container back in its spot. When asked about it, blame it on your brother.
  7. Start a fight over who ate the last avocado. It was you, but you’ve never been without avocados in the house and you simply don’t know how to act.
  8. Put all the dishes back without anyone asking you to. Because your parents’ expectations of you are super low, this will prompt statements including but not limited to: “Wow, you really matured in college” and “I’m so proud of you.”
  9. Add Chloe Ting’s ab workout to your “watch later.” Never watch later.
  10. Cut bangs and finally understand why you never had bangs before.

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