Editor's Note
The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
College is crazy. Some of you will be getting a ring before spring and others still have not had a first kiss. The art of crafting the perfect post of your boyfriend or girlfriend or fiancé or “partner” can be challenging.
Publicly associating with them can be nerve-wracking. Posting your lover is basically like saying, “Mom, here is who is cracking me in the room you pay rent for.” Let me guide you through the process of posting for every type of college relationship.
THE AGE GAP
Posting your older man might be more brave than running your hands through his toupee. But, hey, if that is where your heart lies, I say just hit post. Choose the absolutely most innocent picture of you guys on a hike and turn on Do Not Disturb. It’s time to rip off the bandage and let everyone know you may have daddy issues.
THE REBOUND
If you and your ex still follow each other, this is going to feel good. You should post something slightly scandalous and include a song that you and your ex used to listen to. No regrets are needed here because you’re going to archive this post in a few weeks when your rebound inevitably gives you the ick.
THE COMING OUT
This type of post is nice sometimes, I guess. Let me be clear, JDAWG has gay friends. BUT, you guys, I can’t stand the awkward kissing selfies with big rainbow flags shooting out of cannons in the background to prove your love. So save that for June, and just post a cute dinner picture that is devoid of dairy, beans or spicy food.
THE SINCE-FRESHMAN-YEAR
Your followers either love or hate you by now, which is basically how you feel about this relationship. As graduation nears, the will-they-won’t-they get together from the dorms has turned into will-they-won’t-they move in together post-grad. You should just post a poll at this point to see what your friends actually think.
THE LONG-DISTANCE
Posting this type of relationship is the most challenging logistically. Posting a FaceTime screenshot is cheugy, and posting a story of the stuffed animal they got you is creepy. The best way to go about this is clear: photoshop their face onto a selfie with that friend you told them not to worry about.
THE SITUATIONSHIP
Do not post them. They do not deserve your public declaration — other than maybe a soft launch story to make the rest of your roster a little jealous.
This story originally appeared in the February printed edition of Mustang News. Check out more stories from the issue here.