Editor’s Note

The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.

Malia Mundy is a journalism senior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.

I had anonymous Cal Poly students ask me questions. This is the best advice I could give them.

DEAR MALIA,

I’m a freshman in the dorms and feeling homesick. I don’t love my roommate and feel isolated. What should I do?

DEAR LONESOME_FRESHMAN,

That suckkkkkss omg. Honestly, idk, thug it out WOWie? (Also, you WILL regret going home every weekend. Dominate that dorm!) 

Xoxo,

Malia

DEAR MALIA,

My long-distance boyfriend is bothered that I keep going to frat parties. He said he trusts me but doesn’t trust other guys. He wants me to stop going out. How do I make him stop worrying and trust me?

DEAR GIRL_WITH_LOSER_BOYFRIEND,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on the long-distance. It’s notoriously one of the hardest forms of dating, and I commend you both for pursuing one another despite the distance. If you want him to trust you, I suggest turning off your location every time you party and blocking his number during the night. In the morning, send him all your photos from your fun night out to show that he doesn’t need to contact you to ensure your fidelity! If that doesn’t make him trust you, I’m not sure what will. If he is still irked, you could suggest you both only communicate by letter, where he would be notified you went to a frat party two business days after it occurred and therefore couldn’t say anything about it. 

Xoxo,

Malia

DEAR MALIA,

Cal Poly is such a competitive school. I am a biological sciences junior, and I have no idea if I want to go into the medical field. I’m not sure what to do with my life. Any advice?

DEAR CAREERLESS,

Uh-oh! This is a big problem. Everyone is one hundred steps ahead of you, so it’s time to play catch-up! Most people have already done their internships and have return offers at this point. I would suggest you harness your anxieties into focusing on graduate school. For the small price of $200,000, you can extend your pondering on a career choice for two or more years. Best of luck!

Xoxo, 

Malia

DEAR MALIA,

I’m down in the dumps. The guy I’ve been crushing on for months just invited another girl to his date party. Just last week we were going on dates, and he said he could see us being serious. I’m so hurt and want to confront him but don’t want to seem desperate. What should I do?

DEAR DATE_PARTY_DITCHED,

Show up at the date party. Dress as his mother. Embody the role. Plead with him about why he refuses to come home and visit her and Dad. Tell him his family dog died. Major apologies for his dating misdirection; it seems like he was not worth your time. 

Xoxo,

Malia

DEAR MALIA,

I just got food poisoning from Vista Grande, but every time I try to report it, I get an email from Jeffrey Armstrong telling me to “use discretion or face the consequences.” Is he serious? Should I tell everyone not to dine there?

DEAR VGS_GATE,

I’m afraid he’s deadly serious. No further comments. They’re watching me too. 

Xoxo, 

Malia

This story originally appeared in the September printed edition of Mustang News. Check out more stories from the issue here.