Ani Nazarian and Zach Berston are satire columnists for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
As white smoke billowed out of the chimneys of the University Union, the crowds in front stood silent as they realized that the first-ever ASI Pope had been selected.
Crowds gathered in the quad, many clutching emotional support iced matchas, as the bell tower rang out forty times. It’s part of an ancient, somewhat confusing tradition thought to represent the eternal life-long rule of the ASI Pope until the next pope is elected in a year.
After days of heated deliberation and serious discussions, Cal Poly’s conclave has decided on someone who cares for the students and will truly make their marc.
Reports from inside were scarce, but anonymous sources claim the electors debated fiercely over candidates’ academic vision, administrative experience and whether they could successfully navigate both the budget crisis and the rec center massage chair bacterial growth.
Each vote was taken using traditional methods. A handwritten ballot, an envelope, and an interpretive dance routine representing one’s candidate of choice. After several days of deadlock and one fire alarm incident, consensus was finally reached.
Emerging onto the balcony of the admin building wearing full regalia, a velvet robe, papal medallion and what appeared to be a novelty foam finger reading “Dope Pope” the new Pope was revealed to be none other than Marc Cabeliza.
Some celebrated the news while others protested, holding signs saying phrases like “Contradicere papae” and “Non placere controverti” but they were in Latin so no one cared what they said.
As for now, all eyes are on ASI Pope Cabeliza to see how he will handle his title. Will he visit struggling engineering students in SloDoCo with coffee and donuts to keep their spirits up? Will he be seen on the construction site at Kennedy Library, providing words of encouragement for the workers? Perhaps you might spot him walking downtown on Higuera street, gently brushing his hands against his supporters’ as he makes his appearance, but it is truly up to us, his devout subjects, to decide how we feel about our newest leader.