Neil Sandhu is a biomedical engineering senior and an editor for Mustang News. The Weekly Bull is a purely satirical column and any references to actual people or organizations are coincidental. The satire expressed within this column does not reflect the views or opinions of Mustang News or the Mustang News editorial board.
I remember three things from the AP Macroeconomics class I took during my senior year of high school: guns and butter are interchangeable, some invisible hand is always trying to grope the market and newspapers expire. The last of these is meant to serve as metaphorical recognition that a news story has a shelf life of a few days before it
Well, hold on to your cargo shorts nerds, because you are already three sips into a gallon of two-day-old half-and-half. That’s right, this sans-serifed bludgeon is being written on the night of Jan. 30 and I have absolutely no evidence to support the claims that I am about to make in regards to how the events of Jan. 31 transpired.
Really, I’m just going to hurl some wild predictions out there, and you can tell me how far I am from what actually happened. Normally, it would be disingenuous for me to spread misinformation like this. However, we live in a post-factual society, and according to a certain White House staffer with two first names (the Devil offered her a second one in return for her soul), even reality is subjective. I’m just going to make up my own version of reality, format it, and call it journalism.
Jan. 31, 5 p.m.
A crowd of masked protesters started to form around Alex G. Spanos Stadium, making it the third largest stadium attendance for this academic year.
Jan. 31, 5:23 p.m.
Protesters realized Spanos Theatre is not the same place as Spanos Stadium. Muffled grumbling was heard as they commuted up North Perimeter Road to the actual protest site. They somehow found a way to blame Apple maps for their misplacement.
Jan. 31, 5:43 p.m.
Scores of protesters gathered around the proverbial campfire to sing their greatest hits such as “Not My President” and “No Trump, No KKK, No
Jan. 31 5:45 p.m.
One protester pulled off their mask to reveal that he was in fact the former Brietbart technology editor. Having artistically positioned himself directly in the middle of a group of angered protesters, Yiannopoulos proceeded to throw his body around in faux celebration. Some of the protestors began to push back, while others formed a barricade to block his entrance. However, just like Yiannopoulos’ logic, this blockade is weak and permeated with holes.
Jan. 31, 6:14 p.m.
Yiannopoulos’ event began, much to the approval of his fans, who were just as excited to see their demigod as they were to see the inside of a theater for the first time. Yiannopoulos proceeded to congratulate his
attendees for making the long and arduous journey. He took this time to remind them that, as people who sat silently in a hall and uncritically listened to the man proselytizing his view to them, they are the protectors of free speech; their butts are the ones keeping the seat warm for future curators of our
Jan. 31, 6:22 p.m.
Yiannopoulos criticized the protesters, and likened the lot of them to fascists. He moved on to other protests and offered colorful imagery of feminists devouring the streets of cities across the world. One can no longer picture the women’s marches without imagining 750,000 Frida Kahlo self-portraits marching through the streets of Washington D.C. to the anthem of the Russian Federation. He likened every feminist to a man hater and blamed them all for the
destruction of equality.
Jan. 31, 6:23 p.m.
Yiannopoulos proceeded to criticize liberals for their blanket statements and generalizations. He obliterated liberals who call Trump supporters “the KKK” just because a small percentage of his supporters are Klan members. He pointed out that it would be ridiculous to characterize an entire group of people for the actions of a few. (Meanwhile, the protesters whom he adversely characterized as a group based on the actions of a few began to filter out of the Spanos Theatre Area).
Jan. 31, 6:44 p.m.
Intermission, Kool-Aid was distributed among the attendees.
Jan. 31, 6:59 pm.
Yiannopoulos offered no justification for 12-year-old girls on Tumblr calling Bernie Sanders “daddy” well before he started calling his own candidate-of-choice the same. Though, one begins to wonder what else Yiannopoulos ripped off from
12-year-old girls on Tumblr.
Jan. 31, 7:12 p.m.
Yiannopoulos said some more shit and got some
Jan. 31, 7:42 p.m.
Yiannopoulos took his second curtain call and sauntered out of Cal Poly to the standing ovation of our nation’s bravest sitters. Today, our freedom of speech was protected, behind closed doors, admission by ticket only, subject to removal for failure to remain silent and seated unless
Feb. 2, 12:01 p.m.
Our campus is just the same as it was on the day that I am writing this. You’re still a douche if you use “freedom of speech” as an excuse for anything you say, regardless of legality.
Feb. 2, 12:45 p.m.
Cal Poly College Republicans announce a partnership with SLO Solidarity to bring half-off protests for the remainder of the year; just use promo code “Yiannopoulos tear down this sham” at checkout.