The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
I’m writing to say good luck to all on finals, but I especially wanted to reach the students in the College of Liberal Arts. Finals season is hard – it sometimes forces them to take a night off from smoking weed and/or taking shrooms and/or dropping acid.
READ MORE: The ultimate guide to becoming a Cal Poly gym bro
Yes, the engineering students have fluids, dynamics and statics (not to be confused with statistics), but they chose that life! For some students, a discipline like philosophy truly chose them. I mean there is no clear logical explanation why they would choose that. So, these kids have no choice but to be tortured, artsy types.
I wanted to make sure they get their hands held one more time before finals and give some solid advice on getting through the final stretch of the quarter.
Channel your mommy issues into those essays
First off, I want to say that I see you. Having to write a multiple page essay is challenging, and you are so brave. It’s borderline problematic your professor would assign something like this, but I’ll tackle that another day.
I think it is totally acceptable, and should be encouraged honestly, to use this space to relate the 16th century poetry reading about famish to your childhood. That time your mom would not make you a separate dinner because you didn’t want meatloaf is totally relevant here.
Swap out the bar-crawl for a coffee-crawl
Instead of your typical bar hopping antics, crawl through San Luis Obispo’s coffee shops. Order an oat milk matcha, Gen Z stare in front of your open laptop for an hour or so and then walk to the next shop. This way you maximize your Instagram story views and show everyone how hard you work.
The walks will give you some time to process your feelings about your classes and that time your professor was way too harsh about talking to your friend about how your freshman year fling texted you out of the blue.
You may have to go home early, but make the most of it
Some liberal arts departments have projects due at the end of the quarter, instead of a traditional in-person final. Engineers may be jealous of the lack of responsibility, but this system means CLA students have to go home early.
Going home early can be a lot of work. It’s totally normal to get anxious about going home to your loving family and childhood pet. When they tell you to clean up to yourself, follow your instinct to storm off to your tranquil room covered in plastic vines.
Breaking generational something
Liberal arts students have to prove to their relatives that their degrees are not a waste. Finals are these students’ last opportunity to bring up those ideas they came up with while they were on their self-journeys this quarter. Their parents wanted doctors, but these kids will prove that CLA is not just for future 34-year-old basement dwellers.
Holding space for crayons and hotels too
Liberal studies and experience industry management students are CLA-adjacent and deserve a special shoutout too. All of the tips above apply, but one extra thing to note: being ingrained into STEM colleges is just another origin story. You are not less than because you know your ABCs or how to order florals.