The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Kailey O’Connell is a journalism senior and Mustang News arts and student life editor. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

The first completely virtual spring quarter in Cal Poly’s history began April 6, but university officials say they are still determined to give students as close to an on-campus experience as possible. Starting Monday, administration began using realistic virtual technology to simulate Cal Poly’s most distinguished features through a new software system, Eurodamn.

Those who download the system can access several hyper-realistic features so advanced they can even target the five senses. While students complete online classes, for example, the system will diffuse a familiar aroma – the same one that wafts through campus from the 9,000-acre Campus Farm – at random through each individual’s technological device. 

“The goal is to make students feel like they’re really on campus in every way, shape and form,” Eurodamn lead software engineer John Smith said. “If that means simulating the most accurate smell of cow patties currently known to modern research, so be it.”

University officials’ ambitions don’t stop there. With the unprecedented spread of  coronavirus, Eurodamn will also feature a virtual Health Center for students who may be experiencing symptoms. Users will not only be able to video chat with a real physician, but will also be promptly misdiagnosed and prescribed incorrect virtual medication. 

The state-of-the-art software will issue believable virtual parking citations to students who fail to move their virtual vehicles between virtual classes. When asked if the citations would actually need to be paid, Cal Poly officials declined to comment. 

“Consider this a gift,” Eurodamn project director Sam Brown said. “We may not be able to see each other face-to-face this spring, but we can still do everything possible to make sure our fellow Mustangs feel right at home.”

Although professors had less than three weeks to transition hands-on classes to an online platform, Eurodamn is equipped with a cutting-edge feature to ensure students still perform at an academically rigorous level. Regardless of a course’s content, Eurodamn will assign each student a quiz, test, midterm, or all three every other day so they can stay accustomed to the quarter system’s dynamic pace. 

With advanced virtual reality, students will also be able to transform any space into one of their favorite peaceful on-campus study spots, from the Robert E. Kennedy Library’s third floor to the University Union’s quiet rooms. Wherever users choose, Eurodamn will simulate realistic fellow students who will crack open a bag of chips, enthusiastically reunite with a peer, or just breathe loudly mere feet away.

University officials also announced that they will find an alternative way to recognize graduating seniors in lieu of a traditional in-person commencement. With Eurodamn’s virtual spring ceremony, students are highly encouraged to celebrate freely within the confines of their own homes, now that they face no public pressure to drink responsibly.

University officials stressed that Eurodamn will provide users a flawless internet connection. The software was co-headed by the College of Engineering and the Orfalea College of Business’ dependable Information Systems Association.

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