Graphic of fake Cal Poly schedule with "Personal Living" classes. Credit: Brandon Schwartz / Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Caroline Kelleher is an anthropology and geography freshman and Mustang News Satire Columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

In a statement released to The Hoof, the academic advising center gave us an inside look at new courses expected to be taught in the upcoming school year. 

“These courses will be required for incoming freshmen, in order to ease their transition to college,” a representative from the advising center said. “These will be known as our ‘Personal Living’ classes and under the prefix PL.”

Certain lectures will be offered as required 1-unit support courses for incoming freshman, including ‘How to Share a Room 101,’ which teaches students how to communicate with roommates and divide responsibilities, and ‘Intro to Cleaning up After Yourself,’ which has a heavy focus on not leaving your hair or personal items in the shower or pouring food down the sink.

Current freshman M. Ario-Kart said he wishes these classes had been required sooner.

 “I think my roommate would really benefit from taking a class on how to live with another person. Especially learning the importance of consistently doing laundry,” he said. “I feel like the smell from his socks is seeping into my pillow. It’s constant agony.” 

Resident Advisor Catniss Nevergreen believes that the addition of these classes will help to foster an easier transition from living at home to living in the dorm. She says she’s received numerous complaints about the state of shared living spaces in the dorms, emphasizing the quality of the bathroom.

 “We’ve had to call the facilities department countless times because of the showers clogging. I’m starting to wonder if we have a werewolf shedding in our showers – there’s consistently hair everywhere,” Nevergreen said.

However, not all students agree with the mandation of these classes. 

“I think that some people need to learn how to be good citizens on their own,”said an anonymous student. “I firmly believe that having a bad roommate builds character. Like, my therapist definitely agrees I could do a stand-up set about how awful my roommate was.” 

In a statement, the therapist shared with us that she did not say anything among those lines. 

The student also shared with us that on move-in day, their roommate came with a TV box, leading this student to be excited about the prospect of a TV in their room. However, upon opening the box, their roommate pulled out countless Harry Potter figurines and delicately lined them up on the top of the shared fridge. 

“If I accidentally knocked a figure over trying to get something to eat, my roommate would scream various Harry Potter spells at me. It was honestly an awful experience,” the anonymous student said. “I worry that the introduction of these classes will lower the number of memorable occurrences in the lives of incoming freshmen, which could honestly be detrimental to their college experience.”

Kinesiology senior Brooke Enbones also disagrees with the requirement of these classes. 

“Why do these freshmen get it so easy now? They should suffer just like we did,” she said. 

Another class proposed for the upcoming year is “Mold Removal,” offered by the biology department, with the specific goal of targeting students living in the Sierra Madre or Yosemite dorms. 

“With the increase in reported mold cases over the last year, and the vague response of housing staff to ‘clean it up’, we hope this class will prevent more mold-related illness or issues for students in dorms prone to growths,”a representative of the biology department said. 

Cal Poly Housing has confirmed they fully support the addition of classes aimed at cleaning up mold; “Now our residents can clean it up themselves. Please stop emailing us to ask for help.”

Students living on campus may also be required to take these classes if they have been recognized to lack self-awareness as it relates to housing. In extreme cases, students living elsewhere may be nominated by their peers to enroll in these classes. 

“Resident Advisors or landlords will have the authority to mandate enrollment in one of our ‘Personal Life’ classes,” the advising representative said. “We want to ensure that we incorporate ‘Learn By Doing’ in all aspects of our students’ lives, including living at home.”