The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.
Elijah Winn is an environmental earth and soil science sophomore and Mustang News opinion columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.
This past Friday, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry announced that they will rebrand, changing their name to Cal Poly – Hogwarts.
In a surprising move, the school released this statement:
“We are striving to invest in the futures of our students by moving in a direction that realigns with the values and priorities of the 21st century. We hope to use Cal Poly – San Luis Obispo as a model for success and stylize our mission statements after their achievements in academia. Additionally, we hope to graduate from an identity of child endangerment as this does not align with our goals for the foreseeable future.”
In addition to the name change, Cal Poly – Hogwarts is looking to move its campus to California so their students can stop being so pasty.
Newly appointed Headmaster Justin Armstrong – no relation to Cal Poly President Jeffrey Armstrong – hosted a media session and explained how the transition to California Polytechnic status is being implemented.
“We’ve had open discussions with President Jeffrey Armstrong, no relation, hoping to find the root of [Cal Poly San Luis Obispo’s] success in molding people of the future for an ever-changing society. President Armstrong has even helped by giving specific suggestions on how we should go about doing that, with ideas such as quarterly registration being as difficult as possible and decreasing funding towards food and dining for on-campus underclassmen so as to reinforce human origins as hunter-gatherers. He even suggested using magic to decrease student insubordination.”
Cal Poly – Hogwarts is also attempting to diversify its student population like Cal Poly San Luis Obispo by “praying for another Weasely or two.”
By going public and moving to California, Cal Poly – Hogwarts is investing in a future where wizards, witches and normal people can coexist. In an effort to be more accepting, Cal Poly – Hogwarts is also looking to transition away from the designation of muggles by using a new phrase: the magically defunct.
School officials are also testing ways to marry technology and magic in a classroom setting by providing laptops to students and installing eduroam on campus, admiring the fickle nature of it and how it keeps students on their toes.
Additionally, Cal Poly – Hogwarts has announced that in the event of a major COVID-19 outbreak, the school is prepared to tell no one of any sort of plan in order to “catch COVID by surprise.”
Curiously, when the media pried further about their plan to combat COVID-19, Justin Armstrong literally turned Mustang News reporter, Elijah Winn into a chinchilla.
It seems he has no comment on the matter.