The Hoof is a satire column, created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Hannah Benson is a journalism junior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.


The 2019 Week of Welcome is arriving faster than you can say … you know you want to … the craving is always there … say it: “WOWies!”

The WOWies of Group 213 are led by self-labeled “innovators,” landscape architecture junior Sawyer Reed and statistics junior Maria Silva. The “CO’s” Reed and Silva consecutively signed up last to every single event on WOW Web. Between the influx of incoming students and the university epidemic of procrastination, this “makes sense” scientifically. This left the CO’s with zero activities for their WOWies to enjoy, sparking Reed and Silva to formulate alternative variations of WOW events. 

“We saw this an opportunity to show our WOWies what college is really like. That’s why we chose to call it ‘Group 213: This is Reality, NOT a dream’. Plus, Inception is a dope movie,” Reed said. 

Their practical approach to WOW begins the first day with five hours dedicated to the Key Game. Silva claims their specific Rule is meant to utilize the same amount of brain power required for Week Seven on a Tuesday night. 

At midnight, Group 213: This is Reality, NOT a Dream will venture to the Avila Beach swings for bonding time. 

“I think it’s so important to show the WOWies what San Luis Obispo offers you when you’re going through a break-up. The swings are an alternative late-night destination that allow you to sob it all out rather than just silently tear up in SLODoCo,” Silva said. 

Here’s a sneak preview of the group’s Daily Location Sheet (DLS (which also stands for Damn, Life Scary)): 

7:20 a.m:

Discuss the likelihood of showing up at this exact time to their seven a.m.’s

10:10 a.m.:  

Breakfast for ten minutes

10:20 a.m.:

Transportation Seminar with a debriefing afterward, clarifying that walking will always be the most direct route

12 p.m.:

Nap time

1 p.m.:

Lunch. Walk past Firestone to appreciate the long line, sigh, then travel to Jack in the Box.

2 p.m.:

Explain historical significance of Taco Bell. 

3 p.m.:

Hike from Dexter Lawn to the UU on the hill that passes Baker. Account for several water breaks.

5 p.m.:

Nap

7 p.m.:

Dinner of “whatever the WOWies can grab in 5 minutes”.

8 p.m.:

Tell everyone who your crush is

10 p.m.:

Not-Silent Disco. Intended to prepare WOWies for noise violations.

12 a.m.:

Go to bed

2 a.m.:

Fall Asleep

Regarding their controversial choice to not attend Wowarama, Silva stated, “Although, it’s the only social event accessible to us we will not be attending for personal reasons. Moshing masked as team-building is for your 30s, not college, ya know.”

“We also want to do our part to the school,” Reed added. “Our unique actions will make Cal Poly stand out. We wanna make WOW the number one orientation program in the nation oh, wait, we already…” 

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