Hanna Crowley / Mustang News

Neil Sandhu is a biomedical engineering senior and an editor for Mustang News. The Weekly Bull is a purely satirical column and any references to actual people or organizations are coincidental. The satire expressed within this column does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Mustang News or the Mustang News editorial board.

Oh lord , how is this happening already?

Thank god that girl is wearing glasses that say “2017,” I almost forgot what year it’s about to be.

I bet the Uber surge charge is going to look like a phone number at 12:03 a.m.

Oh yes, nice pairing of a suit with a “Make America Great Again” hat. That’s a killer with the ladies.

Oh look, my ex is coming over to say “hi”, this is an odd time to…

Spraying champagne in her face was a solid diversion, good job thinking on your feet, stud.

Don’t make eye contact with anyone again. It’s too dangerous.

I’m standing in a house party in my hometown, drinking cheap champagne and Taaka.

New year, same me.

New Year’s sucks; lets just get that out of the way. Now, I’m not talking about the friends-from-high-school, too-cold-for-that-dress, wearing-a-tiara-for-no-reason night that seems to bring out the worst in everyone. Let me be clear, that part of New Year’s is amazing. Nothing brings me greater joy than getting sh*tty with the people from my high school AP Psychology class.

In fact, I love it so much that every time a 19-year-old with a $6 bottle of champagne turns a stranger’s kitchen into the Cubs’ locker room after the World Series, I will personally donate $1 to the Bros Without Hoes charity (no, that’s not a real, registered 501(c)(3) non-profit, you unphilanthropic swine).

I even love how everyone dresses up for what we all know will be a very unclassy night. I understand, though. I don’t put on a tie because the venue I plan on attending has a dress code. No, the only reason to wear a tie on New Year’s Eve is to give yourself a visual barometer of how drunk you are.

If the tie is around your neck, you’re probably chill; go get another drink.

If the tie is around your head, you just MacGyvered the classiest way to keep sweat off your forehead; reward yourself with another drink.

If the tie is in the hand of the guy whose girlfriend you just tried to get a New Year’s kiss from at 9:48 p.m. and he’s now playing tetherball with your already soft skull, you should probably cool it with the whiskey sours for now.

My real beef with New Year’s is the resolution aspect. Yes, this article is going be so cliché as to criticize New Year’s resolutions, because in order to kill the cliché, you have to first be the cliché.

New Year’s resolutions are just about procrastinating being a better person. What you’re really saying is, “I first need the Earth to be in the exact arbitrary place relative to the sun that Julius Caesar defined as Jan. 1, then I can start spending more time with my family.”

Try it; try blaming your lack of initiative on the fact that the Earth hasn’t fully moved its 5.971*10^24 kg mass the 94,000,000 km needed for it to be 2017 yet. This is how stupid you sound to the rest of us. (Numbers above are cited from Wikipedia because Wikipedia is a real source, f*ck you.)

For the first week of the year, people with New Year’s resolutions are just as bad as vegans. You can’t have a conversation with them without them bringing up their irrelevant, self-perceived superiority. Oh really Karen, you’ve taken up yoga? I asked you where the printer paper was; how the h*ll did you take that as an invitation to start talking about your “center?”

The nice thing about New Year’s resolutioners is they shut up about it after a week. Vegans unfortunately don’t.

Why waste two to four percent of the year? We all know how 2017 is going to end anyway. Same countdown, same booze, same you. So this year, at 12:01 a.m., forget the resolution and use all your remaining brain power to make sure you get home safe. That’s all that really matters.

So, if you feel like every year has a new energy and you feel like this year is really about, like, the year of just realizing stuff and everyone around you is just realizing things, then that’s great for you, Kylie Jenner. But remember, you don’t need to change. The people in your life already put up with your sh*ttiness, don’t make them put up with two weeks of “resolutions” on top of your other flaws.

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