I’m bisexual. There. I’ve come out to you. That wasn’t so bad, was it? But it’s never that simple. The remainder of this conversation will be about my sex life, regardless of whether or not it is any of your business. I won’t be able to help noticing the assumptions you’ve made about me based on this one personal detail I’ve shared with you. Yes, I’m judging you too.
At first, you’re skeptical. I could just be going through a crazy experimental phase during my college years. Maybe I don’t even know what I am, and “bisexual” is as close to accurate as I’m going to get.
Maybe this is something I’ve been struggling with for years and I’ve only recently taken the introspective journey that led me to be comfortable with my identity. Or maybe one day it just clicked for me, and I realized gender was simply not a deciding factor of attraction for me. You don’t know either way. You don’t ask.
In your defense, you’ve probably only encountered what Urban Dictionary calls the barsexuals – girls who make out with other girls in public places for attention. It’s the Tila Tequilas and Katy Perrys of the world that have turned bisexuality into a fad. Not for me though. I try to limit my public displays of affection with men and women alike, out of respect and common courtesy for those who would have to watch. But you don’t know that. You don’t ask.
OK, perhaps you can see me being bi. With hair as short as mine, I’d have to be a little bit gay, right? But you don’t see what the big deal is. Can’t I just focus on my attraction to men and pretend I’m straight around my homophobic relatives and conservative classmates? If people had any sort of control over whom they fell for, Romeo and Juliet would have died 400 years ago with its author and Stephanie Meyer would be just another unknown housewife in Utah. But when I came out to my family, maybe they were completely supportive. Or maybe it was the last time I spoke to them. You don’t know. You don’t ask.
You do ask me how many women I’ve dated and how many I’ve had sex with. You are surprised by how low the number is and probably can name at least one straight woman who has had more lesbian experiences than me. You’ve confused bisexual with slutty.
You do ask me if I’m allowed to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time. Ignoring how ridiculous the word “allow” is in this context for the moment, I respond by asking if you are allowed to have two boyfriends or two girlfriends at the same time. You’ve confused bisexual with polyamorous.
You do make a comment, half-joking, to the effect of knowing I’m bi makes you uncomfortable around me or uncomfortable having your girlfriend around me. Maybe you think my gayness is contagious and will rub off on you or your girlfriend. Or maybe you just think I’m attracted to every woman I meet. I don’t know, but for your sake, I don’t ask.
When we finally part ways and you go back to reflect on our discussion, you determine that I’m a little defensive about the topic. Sure, you admittedly had some preconceived notions that turned out to be wrong, but it’s not like you were attacking me. And yeah, you’ve got your own opinions about me and my sexual orientation now, but so what? It’s just one person’s opinion, right? Opinions can’t hurt people. You didn’t ask, but I’d still like to share with you now what my mother said, word for word, when I came out to her:
“Well, Jenna, it’s OK for you to be a bisexual now, but once you get married, your husband isn’t going to tolerate that shit.”
Jenna Ray is an English senior and Mustang Daily sex columnist.
Jenna,
This weeks column bothers me. It took me a while to figure out why, and I’ve decided it’s a combination of the writing style, defensiveness, and lack of opinion. The three of these have a large impact on one another, and overall make your piece feel like it is lacking.
The first thing that catches my attention is the imaginary conversation you have going. It’s a good way to introduce a topic, but leaning on it makes you skip over the part where you really talk about that topic. You should not end the conversation about being comfortable with your sexual identity with "You don’t know either way. You don’t ask." We’re the readers, you’re the writer. You actually have to tell us about it or we’re going to gloss over the subject as much as you did. Skipping over it just shows that you don’t want to talk about it. And if you don’t talk about it then no one will read about it. Why are you writing on a topic you’re defensive about?
Unless I missed something, you don’t have anything to be defensive about since it’s your article. Yes the vast majority of people probably do have questions similar to the ones you put forward, but you aren’t being put on the spot to justify your sexuality. You can talk about whatever you want, but you bring up topics you don’t want to talk about. You obviously have thick skin to want to be a sex columnist. You even went so far as to tell your fellow sex columnist that you want to see other columns, and now you’re backpedaling when you made it about yourself? This is your column! Pick a topic you want to talk about, and throw out your opinion!
Stating your opinion is the major thing this column is missing. Your piece about the possessive significant other was great. Comparing over defensive men to dogs marking their territory is a bold statement. That statement alone says more than this weeks entire column. This week I’ve found some implications that people generally don’t have any exposure to bisexuals, don’t care how it affected your family situation, you’re in a monogamous relationship with a person, and that your mother doesn’t understand how you feel inside. I’m pretty sure about all this, but that’s only because I read through it a couple of times. Maybe there is some underlying point you’re trying to get across and I just missed it. It also could be that the topic has a huge amount of subject matter you wanted to cover and you got stretched thin on well, everything.
In any case, I look forward to your next column. Instead of attacking yourself and not really saying anything, I hope you choose a subject you can voice some strong opinions about so we have a good followup to read after your last column.
Best Regards
Well said Brian, another drama queen waxing ad nauseum.
She didn’t gloss over the topic. The fact that the other person in this hypothetical conversation didn’t know *and* didn’t ask, just assumed, IS the topic.
I think you’re confusing ‘being defensive’ with ‘defending,’ Brandon. I don’t even think she’s doing so much of that. If the topic comes off as defensive, it seems as though it’s just because the reader thinks “gosh, didn’t need to go into so much detail and assume I didn’t know.” Because they didn’t know, and the detail was necessary. (Maybe this was a blanket opinion over many people… obviously, *I* knew, and didn’t need the detail, but at least I got what she was saying.) The end is a personal anecdote just to tie it all together and say that the author does have personal experience, and the ability to write on the subject.
She’s presenting real problems that bisexual persons encounter when suddenly their sexuality equals their personality. The article isn’t about her, in my opinion. It’s about the assumptions people make when encountered with the topic of bisexuality.
And I totally agree, Jenna. People have assumed I’m gay due to my having a girlfriend (not a stretch). When they find out I’m bisexual, somehow that means they can offer me free shots to make out with a random chick in a sleazy bar for their amusement. Somehow the term “happily taken” doesn’t apply when the tag “bi” is attached to it.
I’ve clipped out this article and taped it to my wall. I don’t do that often (ever?). Thanks.
Sorry, printed. 🙂 Clipped it out of the printer paper. Last longer than newsprint.
After reading the article I confused bisexual with depressed, defensive and ugly, My bad
I agree with Brandon. Kristen, you mentioned the level of detail and how it may have been too much for the reader, but for me, it’s the lack of detail that this article is missing. Maybe as a fellow bi/gay student this article has more meaning to you than others. However, for the average straight straight person the vague questions and assumptions in this article are not very thought provoking. One last thing to consider from an outside perspective: I don’t know, I don’t ask, maybe I just don’t care.
finally, an article about confused, slutty college chicks (check). haha, but seriously, it was a good article. I think the negative feedback is coming from your subtle approach to the topic. People don’t want to read that deep into an Op/ed piece. The quote at the end was funny, I think I was there when she said that.
Don’t worry mom, the government is already working on a cure for the gay virus. I mean, they’re already making a Gay Bomb –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_bomb
I’m pretty straight and this article has meaning to me. And if you don’t care, then you shoulda stopped reading halfway through. And yeah, it does seem that people don’t like thinking here. Oh well, this is college. I suppose one has to come to expect that. I love how people are expecting a lot of detail when you cover a good range of topics and… wait, there’s a WORD LIMIT on articles? OH NOES.
Jenna, I am taking the term ‘barsexual.’ I’ve heard it before but it’s never stuck in my brain. For I am the slutty girl who ruins the good name of bisexuals everywhere. ;P I love your writing, as usual, blah blah blah watch you when you sleep blah.
And I lol’d at the end, I know it was supposed to be hella dramatic but I know your mother.
Wow. Bring the OTHER COLUMNIST BACK. this is lacking. and you didn’t need to come out of the closet. we already knew you were a lesbian, you don’t need to prove it any further. and frankly we don’t need to read about it either. although i believe there is a time and place for this, you should be writing an article for the entire school to enjoy (no I’m not saying it should only be heterosexual topics)… cover a topic that has to do with both issues. something…else. blah blah blah
you bore the hell out of me.
regards,
velma
so velma, which friend of denise’s are you? LOL
“we already knew you were a lesbian?” you’re embarrassing yourself… and probably denise too.
Oh jeez, Jenna’s a lesbian? Someone should inform her boyfriend of that, but he’s not going to be very pleased, I tell you what.
Velma. The other columnist quit. Of her own free will. Jenna’s not that intimidating, she didn’t mafia the chick away. She’s gone. But by all means, keep up your indignant whining that will accomplish nothing. I find it amusing.
There sure is a lot of drama in this comment section as well as whining.
Anyways, I greatly enjoyed this piece and find most of the criticisms here rather lacking. The writer covered a large amount of information while addressing the stereotypical audiences responses to a bisexual female and intelligently and enjoyably shot down the general stereotype of a bisexual.
Thanks for the read, so many of the articles in this paper tend to be lacking.
Wow. The lack of intelligence and respect from some commentators compelled me to add my thoughts. People really don’t “get it” do they? Jenna: your columns are refreshing, well-thought out, well-written, and witty. I’m looking forward to your future columns! Even though I have a feeling you probably don’t… don’t give any attention to the hating commentators who try to invalidate you. Dammit….only at Cal Poly….
I really enjoyed your last column about possessive significant others. I thought it was really funny and brought up some good points. This column….I wasn’t so impressed with. I have been thinking a lot lately about being judged/ judging other people. I think that in this article you assume that everyone is judging you because you are bi, do you judge people for being straight? Are straight people somehow less intellectual than you or less open minded? I think your sexuality should be part of who you are as a person and it is important. However, I do not think that it necessarily defines someone. I think this is part of the problem, if I am sitting here all upset because I told someone I was gay and they judge me for it… you know what that person isnt worth my time anyway. People are going to judge you for your whole life and guess what.. that is not going to change. Sexual orientation is a part of a person, but you know what, i dont tell most people that i am bi – i dont go up to them and ask them how they feel about it and wait for their response. I dont hide my life and I am completely honest with everything I do, but I guess I just try not to give people the opportunity to judge me. I want them to judge me as a person first, and if they find out my sexual orientation and have a problem with it, then I dont need to spend time with that person. I think the gay rights movement as a whole is too focused on equality and expects everyone to jump through big hoops to give the gay community equlity. Dont get me wrong, I am all for equality, but sexual orientation is not what makes a person who they are. As a gay student who has spent five years here in an entirely straight group of friends, believe me, I have fielded my share of obnoxious questions about my sexuality, but you know what that is none of their business and if I dont choose to share it with them, I dont have to. I want people to like me and appreciate me for the person I am, gay, straight or whatever I am. I think it is wrong to assume people are always judging me because I am gay or because I have short hair or whatever. I am a person first, not a gay person, not a white person, not a cal poly student, not a horseback rider…..I want to be judged based on the person I am … and if you dont like that ….then dont talk to me.
This was perhaps the dumbest article I have ever read in the Mustang Daily. Boo
Clearly you haven’t been following this publication for very long. It takes some doing to be especially bad in this paper.
I would have really liked to gain a better understanding of bisexuality. I read this because I was curious but instead you just passed judgment on people that you believe are passing judgment on you. Yes well written but definitely lacks substance. I’m disappointed. I also agree that the last girl was much better! I think there should be writing from all sexual preferences, but if it is a sex column shouldn’t it be more interesting to read?
I’m admittedly biased to believe that women who claim to be “bisexual” are just experimenting, while the few men I know who’ve called themselves “bisexual” have used this term to cope with their confusion between their straight or homosexual feelings.
I wish this was a more personal piece that addressed my issues with “bisexuality”. Does it only mean that a person is sexually attracted to both genders, or does it also mean that bisexuals try to pursue genuine, long lasting relationships with either gender? I’m a lot more comfortable with someone aligning with a sexual orientation, be it straight, lesbian, or gay, but bisexuality is harder for me to understand.
And I don’t know how you came up with the idea that other people could think gayness is contagious. That’s a little out there.
I think what people are missing here is that, with this column, Jenna was not trying to judge others or explain bisexuality, but that she was trying to make people think more about how they deal with bisexual people.
Its not fun to be bisexual when all people care about when you tell them about your sexuality is whether or not you lean towards straight or gay or if you’ve slept or made out with members of the same sex. Its not fun when all people assume is that you’re out for attention by being bisexual because the guys think its hot.
Being bisexual means different things for different people, but pretty much it’s only the ability to be attracted to both sexes. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you go around and make out with other men or women just to attract attention to yourself and it doesn’t have to mean that you’re ONLY looking for a serious relationship. What it DOES mean is that gender has little to do with what attracts you to a certain person, just like race or religion may have nothing to do with what attracts you to a person either.
Instead of assuming you think you know how someone is just by a “label” of sexuality (or anything else for that matter) try seeing how they are when you’re around them. You will be very surprised to see that they are probably not what you’d expect.
I guess what bothers me (and probably other readers) the most is the self-righteous indignant tone of this article and its defenders.
I’m glad to see an article that deals with the judgements bisexuals go through, and not just “the gay community in general,” because I agree, it’s a bit different. I came out at the beginning of the school year, and the questions do get a bit annoying after a while. “Would your boyfriend get mad if you hooked up with a girl?” “How do you really KNOW you’re bi?” Sigh. Thank you for addressing the judgements honestly, even though some readers don’t seem to appreciate it. Oh, and when I told my mom, she said, “Since when???” and “But….can’t you just choose one? I want you to like boys.” Haha.
Isn’t this supposed to be a sex column? I just read a rant about an individual’s issues with her own sexuality.
I really can’t understand everyone on here. Whether this article doesnt fit what you wanted in a sex column or, whether you think this girl is stupid, or a lesbian, or whatever you think. She poured out her feelings to the world, and its people like you that make her have to write an article like this. Its people like you, that make people not feel comfortable and safe in their own skin. If doing that to people makes you feel better about yourself, than maybe you’re the one with problems. Maybe you should hop off your narrow minded horse and let something actually come into your hard heads. Thanks for the article Jenna
“Well, Jenna, it’s OK for you to be a bisexual now, but once you get married, your husband isn’t going to tolerate that shit.” — yes he will.
I think the article is excellent. To those who said they still don’t understand what bisexuality is, maybe you should ask. That’s the point–the questions people ask, or don’t ask, makes clear that they think bisexual people are slutty or polyamorous or just confused. It’s not that she is attacking anyone–on the contrary, it seems she would be open to talking about her sexuality to anyone who had the mindfulness to ask. She IS a sex columnist. But she’s not going to spill personal details about herself to people who are too narrow-minded to take her seriously.
You are by far my favorite columnist in the paper. Thanks for tackling tough topics in such a thoughtful way and making me laugh!
This column was amazing for me. I’m a bisexual and i am scared to tell some of my friends because i’m afraid of what they will think of me because of the steriotypes. My mom is one of these people who believe in these steriotypes and believe that being bisexual is just a fad so i appreciated when you talked about that. Bisexuals have been morfed into to the slutty category because of stupid people who make out with everyone in public but i’m not one of those people. I told one of my friends about this and she started ignoring me and not inviting me to sleepovers because she was afraid that i would hit on all of them. Just because i’m bi does not mean that i’m going to hit on you. Do straight people flirt and hit on every person from the opposite sex? No and neither do I.
This column was amazing for me. I’m a bisexual and i am scared to tell some of my friends because i’m afraid of what they will think of me because of the steriotypes. My mom is one of these people who believe in these steriotypes and believe that being bisexual is just a fad so i appreciated when you talked about that. Bisexuals have been morfed into to the slutty category because of stupid people who make out with everyone in public but i’m not one of those people. I told one of my friends about this and she started ignoring me and not inviting me to sleepovers because she was afraid that i would hit on all of them. Just because i’m bi does not mean that i’m going to hit on you. Do straight people flirt and hit on every person from the opposite sex? No and neither do I.
Perfectly spoken! As a bi woman, I have been dealing with snap judgements about my sex life from everyone I come out to. Unfortunately, gay women & straight men tend to be the worst offenders 🙁 maybe they’ve been hurt by “barsexuals” before. I just wish people would take the time to get to know me before deciding I’m not who they want to be with. I’m sharing this post. Thanks for writing it.