This article contains adult content, and viewer discretion is advised.
The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
The Young Conservative Scholars Cal Poly chapter hosted a political demonstration on Dexter Lawn on Thursday. The demonstration in question involved lewd sexual behavior between members, Diddy style.
Jack Whittier, YCSCP president and business administration senior, said he orchestrated the massive orgy on Dexter Lawn to instill more traditional, Christian and masculine values back into the university.
“It wasn’t in a gay way, ew,” Whittier said. “We were displaying masculinity like they did in ancient Rome. They hung out with their dongs out all the time, and we wanted to take it one step further to show our dominance.”
YCSCP has grown dramatically since SAFER started offering free condoms on campus. The YCS code of ethics strictly forbids the promotion of any sort of reproductive health education (even though we saw Trojan wrappers littered at Dexter after the orgy??).
Aidan Katz, a YCSCP member and bioresources and engineering freshman, recalled that he joined the organization to become more involved with conservative activism.
“As a straight, white, upper-middle-class man, I struggle with feeling represented,” Katz said as he disappeared into the abyss of straight, white, upper-middle-class men at Cal Poly during a rush in 1901 Marketplace between classes.
The Progressive Students Society at Cal Poly responded to the event by hosting an energy healing workshop two days post orgy. PSSCP work didn’t actually clean up any of the mess, but they did post 18 infographics on Instagram over the weekend.
SLOPD has waived the conviction of the lewd sexual acts on Dexter Lawn, citing First Amendment rights.
“The San Luis Obispo Police Department believes strongly in the First Amendment rights to peacefully protest and assemble,” SLOPD said in a statement. “YCSCP also funded our buddy Mark’s retirement party last week, so we did not feel in a position to shut down the orgy.”
In the future, Whittier hopes to expand Young Conservative Scholar protests and demonstrations in and around campus. He told the Manure his upcoming goal so far is to replace all religious paraphernalia of Jesus with President Donald Trump, which already seemed to happen on Truth Social, and mandate the pledge of allegiance before and after every class, club meeting and meal at Cal Poly.
“We are excited to host more opportunities to explore our faith and our bodies,” Whittier said.