The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
This article contains adult language and viewer discretion is advised.
It is crazy how much information we have at our fingertips, yet so much of it is inaccurate. Social media spreads mistruths like sparks in a forest. And when something does break through the noise, it’s often woke bullshit or Nazi news.
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Even Mustang News is missing large stories happening all around us. The organization spends way too much time on equity stories or exclusion stories. Sometimes, it’s hard to get quotes from those in power, so it’s time to rip off the band-aid. It’s time to shed light on the facts that live in the shadows of campus.
Armstrong is a lizard
The lizard people are roaming this world and slowly overtaking our institutions. There is a key figure on Cal Poly’s campus who unzips at night to shed his human facade. Our own president, Jeffery D. Armstrong, is one of the reptilians working against the human race by creating more polarization between the libs and agriculture students, which will lead to our demise.
Helen Keller…?
Hellen Keller is so not real and so fake because how could a disabled person accomplish anything and it’s literally ridiculous that a blind and deaf person could live a life with goals and dreams and overcome obstacles and anyone who thinks she is real is just dumb and stupid and does not deserve a Cal Poly diploma – even if we have a bench honoring her.Â
The library has underground tunnels
Have you noticed not much has changed in the library beyond new stairs and some paint? I sure have. Upon some investigating, I stumbled upon some secret doors that wouldn’t open. The library would say janitor’s closet, I say secret passage to bunkers.
Joe Biden and Marc Cabeliza have something in common
And it’s encouraging voter fraud. We have been sold on this idea of fair elections, but have we ever seen all the votes? The ASI machine is trying to distract you with massage chairs and comedians, but it’s time to get our elections in order.
“Flu” shots in the health center
Don’t forget to get re-chipped this year! The health center is supporting the federal government’s mission to get us all chipped by the end of the decade. Stay strong, you already dodged the Covid vaccine mandates. Just a few more years till our peers get their brains wiped.
Partiful is stealing our data for SLOPD
For those of you with no social lives, everyone and their mom is sending party invites through online platforms these days. This data is collected and sent to the government (the San Luis Obispo Police Department) to track your every move (shut down house parties).