editor's note:

jdawg says is a satirical advice column written by a mustang news staff member. this content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of mustang news.

i’ve been watching the jfk jr. and carolyn bassette show and listening to faye webster through wired headphones. i’ve been trying so hard to mog that my jaw is getting stiff. i came to the realization that i need to calm down.

a little crush and the impending doom of unemployment have me in shambles — even jdawg is sometimes a tweak twink. so this list is for us all: cut the lust, shred that cover letter and act a little more nonchalant.

don’t answer any question ever

“oh, jdawg, what class are you running to?” i can’t tell you that. “are you coming tonight?” not sure. “what song are you listening to, jdawg?” it’s pretty underground. “jdawg?” shrug this way no one knows anything about you, which, knowing you, is probably for the best.

absolutely no capitals

turning off auto caps when you were 15 was the best thing you did for yourself. there’s something romantic about a linkedin with no capital letters or punctuation. using capitals is the first step to becoming a boomer bot, avoid them at all costs.

don’t respond for 36 hours

36 hours minimum. whether it’s the guy your roommates are telling you to shut up about or the hiring manager at your dream company, let their message simmer. looking desperate is not going to make him more interested or change the mind of julia in human resources. go dnd and forget timeliness.

bed left unmade

clothes slightly wrinkly because they sat in a basket for a few days. hair undone because you woke up four minutes before you had to leave. no reason to make your bed every morning in these nonchalant times.

live at 2%

shoes get untied, screens get cracked and skin gets cancer. live life like you’re on low power mode — and keep your phone next to dead. there’s nothing more nonchalant than always needing to be next to a wall socket because you never charge your phone at night.

walk with no urgency

they will wait for you while you meander down the street. blue jeans and rainbows is the nonchalant uniform, but you gotta match your vibe to the fit. small steps, knees bent and you’re on your way, slowly.