Editor's Note:
JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
This article contains adult content, and viewer discretion is advised.
I have written 20-some cover letters and optimized my resume with AI and have stacked my Linkedin and have gotten nowhere. At this point, who gafs? I think I was never meant to have a job.
“The future is bright!” “You’re so talented!” “You have such good experience!” Okay. So, where do I go from here? I fear the future is not so bright, I’m kinda mid and experience answering the phone in an office.
Here are things I plan to do instead of getting a job:
Travel
I want to see the world — Europe and Asia — and experience different cultures — of my ancestors and what’s trending. I’ll probably write a little bit about my experience on a new Substack newsletter.
Shop
So many screenshots of Instagram ads are sitting in my camera roll right now, and I’m itching to hit the “place order” button. My taste is curated and fresh and minimal but also alternative and refreshing. Now, where the money is coming from… we all know.
Stalk
One roommate is going to Italy, and another will be in Iowa. The road really splits post-grad, and I cannot wait to see where people are in five to ten years. I’ll make sure to post occasionally and vaguely, gotta move in a cloud of mystery.
Watch Real Housewives of Rhode Island
This is where unemployment gets good. Catching up on reality TV is perpetually listed on my notes app and RHORI is number one. I keep seeing clips on my feed when I’m procrastinating a cover letter, and this is lowkey some of Bravo’s best work.
Grovel
Gotta show my parents that I am feeling sad about unemployment, but I’ve actually never been more excited in my life. I need to prove to them that I regret going out every Thursday but make sure they don’t think I’m depressed. It’s a balancing act ultimately.
Soft launch nepotism
Maybe, I should just work for my dad afterall. A little office job with a silly title and an expense card. Who needs to make an impact anyways? I can just be another cog in the wheel, but a slight detached cog that doesn’t do much.
This story originally appeared in the May printed edition of Mustang News. Check out more stories from the issue here.