The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Zach Berston is a journalism senior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
As Douglas and Gertrude Finkle filmed their daughter, Emma, walking across the stage and receiving her diploma, the realization finally set in that they would be getting their little girl back after four long years.
While the Finkles were initially filled with excitement, the first weeks of Emma’s short, decades-long stay in her childhood bedroom has led them to another epiphany. Their daughter, a once shining, gifted high school student with a summer job at a golf course, is now a significantly more unemployed adult.
“Of course we’re proud,” said Gertrude, while aggressively vacuuming the carpet in a zigzag pattern. “She’s the first in the family to get a B.A. in Medieval Painting Discussion with a minor in Thinking about Stuff. She’s been working so hard, you know, at figuring herself out.”
Douglas also shared his excitement. “It’ll be nice having her around again. The house has been so quiet without her… and now it’ll be quiet with her, while she scrolls LinkedIn in the living room at 2 p.m.”
After taking out tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, Emma said she’s not planning to pay them back. Emma said, “The bank is trying to charge me interest on the loan apparently. Well I’m not even interested so why would I have to pay?” According to her career counselor, Dr. Fritz Bagel, “She should not have gone to college. Somehow her degree has made her less employable.”
Asked whether they had concerns about their daughter’s current trajectory, the Finkles laughed for several seconds in perfect unison, then abruptly stopped. Gertrude said, “We’re just lucky that Cal Poly has opened a new support group for parents of children graduating from the College of Liberal Arts. It’s not so bad when you know your kid isn’t the only disappointing one.”
When discussing her next steps, Emma explained she’s “taking time to recalibrate” and has been in talks with herself about a potential podcast, nonprofit or loosely defined personal brand.