Credit: Angel Gaytan / Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Caroline Kelleher is a Anthropology and Geography sophomore and Mustang News Satire Columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

BREAKING: That question you just asked in your lecture? The one you asked after raising your hand and informing your professor that “this might be a stupid question, but…”? Yeah. That was a stupid question.

Seriously, why would you ask that? You fully raised your hand in your lecture with over a hundred people and just asked your professor, who has a PhD, something even a toddler would know. Not even prefacing your question by saying it might be stupid could provide you with any safety net to explain yourself.

The girl sitting next to you in the lecture slowly scoots her chair away from you out of embarrassment at even the idea of being associated with someone that asked such a silly thing. You don’t know her, and you probably never will, simply because every time she sees you she’ll think of your stupid question. 

A few rows behind you, someone is busy texting their roommate “omg this person in my bio class just asked the dumbest question ever. like i learned this in high school??? did they not??” Near them, someone is downing a few sips of water to try to hide their smirk. 

Honestly, you should feel ashamed of yourself for asking such a stupid question. That was the dumbest question ever uttered on this campus. That question was ignorant, dull, foolish, brainless, imbecilic, and even asinine. Everyone in the lecture hall thinks you’re an academic fraud for getting this far without knowing the answer to that question. Your parents must have paid for you to get into this school, in some Operation Varsity Blues-level scandal. 

Your professor raises their eyebrows at you and simply tells you to “see me after class.” Yes, that’s right – directly after the end of this lecture. Your dumb question was simply so dumb that office hours would be far too late to even save you. Even your professor is having trouble emotionally recovering after your absolute brash stupidity to ask such a question. You didn’t even get an answer from them – perhaps you will have to (gasp) schedule an appointment to be sat down and taught such an elementary topic. 

You can tell how plain dumb your question was by the looks on the faces of the people sitting in front of you, who turned fully around in their seats to gaze upon the face of the clown that asked such a dumb question. It’s clear one of them is biting the inside of their lip to not burst out in shocked laughter. 

Nobody in this lecture hall can believe you would ask something as dumb as that. Seriously, you should really consider going to office hours, or maybe even dropping out. It’s a miracle you’ve made it this far without knowing the answer to such a basic thing.

News flash, buddy, your question was really stupid. Never ask it again. Or anything. Ever.