Neil Sandhu is a biomedical engineering senior, and a columnist for Mustang News. The Weekly Bull is a purely satirical column, and any references to actual people or organizations are coincidental. The satire expressed within this column does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Mustang News, or the Mustang News editorial board.
Traditionally, a Cal Poly Thanksgiving break lasts just long enough to travel home, stress about how much work you have before finals, not have enough time to do the work, stress out about how much work you have and travel back. However, things are different this year.
Four score and two days ago, students made a sacrificial offering to the administrative gods, (President Jeffrey Armstrong will only consider a request if you let him curb-stomp something you love while you watch) in the hopes of receiving more precious time to eat their mom’s food and procrastinate.
This year, we immolated two days from the Week-of-Welcome-Week. In return, our professors offered us a cornucopia of the wondrous bounty of two useless days of class, where professors didn’t want to teach anything because it would mess up the MTW sections. However, this 48-hour syllabus-fest was not our only reward.
Armstrong is graciously allowing us the full week away for Thanksgiving this year, just like every single other school in the country. This move is keeping with our lesser known school motto of “Cal Poly: We’re doing our best, OK?”
I am, undoubtedly, incredibly grateful for this extra time to procrastinate, which got me thinking; what else are Cal Poly students thankful for? I took to the poorly designed and borderline unnavigable streets to find out.
Here are what some students said they were thankful for:
“I’m thankful for Chick-fil-a, for reminding us that nothing comes before gay rights, except fried chicken,” social justice warrior junior Mandy Anderson said.
“I’m thankful for red Solo cups, because I sometimes don’t know what to do with my hands at parties,” “skips leg day” sophomore Chad Fraternason said.
“I’m thankful for SLO Solidarity for reminding us that hundreds of years of systematic oppression can finally be brought to justice by the almighty power of climate surveys,” social media sophomore Čeck Prive-Ledge said.
“I’m thankful for Rage Cage, because standing next to a girl and advising her on the best way to bounce a ball into a cup is the closest I’ve ever got to flirting,” League of Legends freshman Sheldon Humsfree said.
“I’m thankful for the class of 2020 Facebook page for helping people return lost Polycards by sending a notification to 6,235 people. Its just so much better than having to look someone up and messaging them directly,” meme studies senior Isa Troll said.
Meanwhile, some students looked forward, to the impending election too.
“I’m thankful for Donald Trump, for allowing me to find out which one of my friend’s parents are closet racists,” YUUUUGE business sophomore Bernard Sanderson said.
Royalty studies junior Steve Dipstick thought for a while, before deciding; “I’m thankful for the Clintons, for making sure that the Kardashians are not the most powerful family in the country.”
“I’m thankful for Ted Cruz,” said no one ever.
Some students were grateful for our mass consumption of pop-culture and sports.
“I’m thankful for the Warriors for reminding me that I’m not the only one who blows it during the finals,” Jump Baeless, who is a meteorology senior with a concentration in fair-weather, said.
“I’m thankful for Snapchat stories, because without them I would never be able to see all the high quality live videos that my friends take at concerts,” “I like my own photos on Instagram” junior Molly Jane said. “Seriously, why even buy concert tickets anymore when you can get the same experience by watching a 300 second Snapchat of the back of some guy’s head?”
“I’m thankful for the word literally because without it, I would literally not be able to convey to my peers that I am not speaking in metaphor,” ambiguous literatures sophomore Jane Air said.
However, most students were thankful for one special fall treat in particular.
“I’m thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” basic human development freshman Elle Goodes said.
“I’m thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” basic social development senior Mel Woods said.
“I’m thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” basic atomic development sophomore Belle Hoods said.
“I’m thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” basic city development junior Dell Suds said.
“I’m thankful for Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” basic cell development freshman Val Thuds said.
Editors note: due to an overwhelming number of submissions for Pumpkin Spice Lattes, the other 121 quotes about them have been excluded for the sanity of our readers.
If you have something that you are especially thankful for this holiday season, we want to hear about it. Send your submissions to CPGrapevine@gmail.com, and check next week’s newspaper for student features! (By emailing CPGrapevine@gmail.com, you consent for the contents to be printed or published with your name, year of study and major)
Whatever you’re thankful for this holiday season, just be thankful that when the time comes to sit around TV and watch a good old 49ers lose with the whole family, you won’t have your fun interrupted by any political ad.