Credit: Sam Shin | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

This past week, Cal Poly administration announced a groundbreaking addition to university protocol. Next year’s incoming freshmen will be the first class in the history of Cal Poly SLO to be sorted into one of the four Hogwarts houses: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Hufflepuff. 

“The sorting is intended to create a stronger sense of camaraderie among students. The administration felt too many labels were getting tossed around the school. Therefore, this four-part division will allow the Mustangs to focus on their personalities rather than institutionalized social constructs,” senior administration member Barry Pawder said. 

The ceremony will take place the first night of Week Of Welcome in Spanos Stadium. Students will line up in front of the Sorting Hat and labeled as either brave, smart, friendly or evil. Due to an influx of incoming freshmen, this will take approximately seven hours. The majority of today’s college students are as the Hat describes, “Complex and not meant to be constrained anymore, please understand life is full of spectrums.”

The administration insisted the school fly out the actual Sorting Hat, raising university tuition, in the process. Ever since the movies got to its head and retirement-planning began, sorting rates have skyrocketed. 

“This event will unify students. Together, they will dig deeper, questioning their strengths, weaknesses and why a badger is considered the appropriate mascot for loyalty,” Pawder said.

Pawder has faced backlash in previous years. It was his idea to make the water in the Red Brick Dorms taste just a little bit like metal, to keep everyone on edge. Students with more on their minds and chemical drops in their bodies have less time to discuss and break-down the bigoted ideals that have divided us. We ALL take COMS 101 and we are human beings with anxieties and we fart after too much 5 gum. 

A a major concern to this new sorting practice is whether the students want this at all. Therefore, we here at The Hoof asked a representative source. 

“I’m sure it will be fun! What bad could come of this!” a white, heterosexual, cisgender male from an upper-class family said. He did not elaborate.

The Class of 2024 is bound to be a promising addition to the Cal Poly Mustangs. May the tradition of challenging social constructs encouraged by campus climate continue!

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