Do's and don'ts for meeting the family

Alicia Freeman is an English senior and Mustang Daily relationship columnist.

The holidays return again. The Christmas decorations invade the spaces that once held Halloween costumes and no Thanksgiving decorations. (Christmas seems to be the self-involved holiday bully: it always takes all the thunder away from poor, gluttonous Thanksgiving. It’s just not right.)

As many of us finalize our travel plans, or lack-thereof, some face a wholly terrifying prospect: meeting the significant other’s family for the first time. This isn’t just child’s play or “having fun” (i.e. hooking up, screwing, etc.) anymore; this is the big time. The pressure of appearing right for (or at least deserving of) someone’s son, daughter, sister or brother weighs down on your shoulders like a bag of potatoes, or some other kind of heavy thing one would carry on his or her shoulders. The dread is tangible.

I in no way am about to meet anyone’s family for the first time (thank God), but I feel immensely for those that are. I cannot imagine even having to introduce someone to my parents again, let alone having to meet someone else’s. But, having experience with the act of meeting parents and impressing them, I hope this week to guide you wayward souls to the light, a.k.a. give you some half-assed advice.

So, I present you with my top five tips to survive and thrive while meeting the family.

1.  Help with the dishes, cleaning, children, etc.

A good friend of mine said this is the most important tip: to generally be a help to the possible future in-laws. I feel this is most likely especially true for us women out there. We have to act like we are capable homemakers if we want that ring, so we must whip the potatoes or scrub the gravy grease off the roasting pan, plus be amiable with any children present.

This, of course, is all kinds of bullshit, but in general, it is advised to at least be helpful because that makes a good guest. If someone takes you in, help them out, especially if you are trying to impress them. I was often peer-pressured to drink too much wine while on holiday with my ex’s family, so I usually did not abide by this tip at all.

2.  Be nice to any children, even if they are little brats.  Also, you know, be courteous in general.

I learned that if my ex’s nephews and nieces liked me and enjoyed my company, then his family generally did as well. It also seemed to prove some kind of worth as a maternal figure as that conversation usually led to future children entering the family, though that really wasn’t what I was aiming for. Especially because much of the time those children were little brats, and I just wanted to smack their adorable little faces.

This is something those of you meeting family for the first time must deal with: sometimes the mom is crazy or the nephew is a screaming demon child, but you must grin and bear it. If it is too much for you, then you have received a sign of impending doom for your relationship. When you accept someone, you unfortunately have to accept and be nice to his or her family too.

3.  Do not get too inebriated and make a fool of yourself.

Now, I realize I said earlier that I often was wooed with too much wine while spending the holidays with my ex’s family, but that in no way means you should. His family, thankfully, usually had someone who would make a fool of themselves before I ever could. Still, being drunk is not much of a good first impression.

An acquaintance, when meeting her boyfriend’s large family for the first time at a family reunion, once decided it would be a good idea to drink too much wine and do shots with her boyfriend’s sister. This led to her drunkenly playing football with his nieces and nephews — which caused an awful rip in her dress and then puking on the lawn and being taken home early. She, of course, was mortified, but thankfully, his family understood somewhat. Still, to this day his brother still calls her “Pukey.”

She doesn’t really like his brother.

4.  Probably shouldn’t perform fellatio at the dinner table (or avoid most sexual activities).

I don’t know who would perform fellatio at the dinner table except for someone in a porno or one of the “American Pie” sequels, but I figured it would be a good thing to advise against.

If you happen to be sexually active with your significant other, you probably should keep that part of the relationship under wraps, if you know what I mean. I’m sure his or her mom and dad do not want to know what happens behind closed doors (or under dinner tables or in bar bathrooms).

It is just an awkward part of the whole meeting family experience. I would suggest an aura of virtue and chastity when it comes to meeting the family, even if neither of you even know what virtue and/or chastity mean.

5.  If your ex lives in the same town, please leave him or her the hell alone.

This, finally, is a tip centered not really toward anyone meeting family for the first time, but rather, not spending the holidays with another’s family for the first time. This will be my first Thanksgiving in a few years without dinner at my ex’s house with his family. Yet, his family still lives in the same town as my parents, and he (reportedly, I don’t really know) plans to visit for Thanksgiving as well, so I hope beyond hope he and I do not come upon each other.

To any of you out there who also are in this predicament, take a shot at avoiding your ex and their family at all costs. It’s probably better for the both of you and your respective families.

All in all, meeting family for the first time remains terrifying. Still, it opens up doors to the future (if that’s what you want) and introduces the traditions and people your significant other grew up with. Don’t stress yourself out about it. You don’t want to be the boyfriend or girlfriend who got too drunk out of discomfort and started puking on the front lawn. No one wants that.