Just Julia is a satirical column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
Cover your mouth and close those legs–it’s midterm mono season. Over halfway through our first semester, a monumental superspreader event is upon us as mono and strep cases reach an all-time high. Official investigations have revealed the two superspreaders: The co-ed dorm floors and musty engineering students.
Engineers are showering less and hooking up more; midterms have been so rough that any moment of peace is found in the warmth of someone else rather than the warmth of the shower.
“Not gonna lie, my bad I gave five girls mono–I was using their beds when I should’ve been using their soap,” said civil engineering freshman Theo Stince.
Investing in your financial future by dating an engineer is fun until their stereotype comes true. “Midterm season was lowkey a flop; the only test I passed was for strep,” said psychology junior Sloane Hill. “My boyfriend is an industrial engineer. I think the lack of sleep and bathing got to both of us, so maybe I’ll leave him for now and go back at the start of winter if he doesn’t stink.”
Hill has since left her boyfriend and is on the mend.
Co-ed bathrooms are a great idea to save space! The consequence of this is much more work for the cleaning staff. “Floor-cest” is taking out entire buildings, establishing ground zero for the outbreak. “How was I supposed to know my RA had mono and slept with the entire second floor?” said freshman red bricks resident Greta Chis. “I thought he had experience with the poly plague and would’ve taken precautions. Last time, I believe a man.”
The spread has also impacted the queer community. Finding queer people at Cal Poly is hard (speaking from personal experience), but luckily the yakʔitʸutʸu dorm buildings have floors dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. This, however, means that a majority of the queer population on campus share the same rooms, bathrooms, and study rooms.
“Every time I try to use the study rooms on our floor, the whiteboard is in front of the glass windows, and you won’t catch me trying to open that door,” said biology freshman May Hart. “I thought I was safe; I live in Sierra Madre. Turns out my DL sneaky link isn’t as DL as I thought,” said graphic communications freshman Eric Lincoln. “I tested positive for mono this morning; shoutout to my professor for not extending the midterm for me. Now my grades and I feel the same.”
Mono and strep only continue to spread; those flu shots given at the health center are no match for horny, dirty college kids. Although the health center suggests staying clean and safe, a sad number of people actually follow this advice. My favorite tactic can be playing 20 questions with a possible suitor.
I’ll create a list of some to ask:
When’s the last time you showered and washed everything, even your legs?
Do you wash your hands, even without social pressure?
Have you possibly engaged in floor-cest in the past two weeks?
If yes, is anything going around on your floor?
And so on; the bar is in hell. Midterms are already treacherous; don’t add mono to the mix. Stay healthy, stay gay, and stay happy.