Ryan Chartrand

Editor’s note: ‘The Bunion’ is fake news. Period.

SAN LUIS OBISPO – A recent poll showed that money mogul Jack Vander-Bucks and his upstart airline Fair-Air are rapidly winning public acclaim. Though Fair-Air in service is every way as majorly piss-poor as other airline sector competitors and in some ways much worse, the key difference is in Fair-Air’s ideology and guaranteed “No Bullshit” policy, which abandon the tired facades of punctuality, safety and reliability that pervade the industry.

Vander-Bucks spoke passionately at the press conference preceding his airline’s maiden voyage, screaming “gone is the deceptive promise that flights will arrive, depart or land on time! Gone is the illusory belief that purchasing a ticket months in advance will guarantee you anything! Gone is the lie that anyone has even the foggiest idea where your baggages are! Now is the time when a person can dispense a significant percentage of their yearly income and be 100 percent confident that nothing is certain!”

To compensate for these shortcomings in air travel that Fair-Air insist cannot be controlled, effort has been directed toward improving the aspects that can. Fair-Air features complimentary scratch and win games on the reverse of their tickets, with prizes ranging from small trinkets and cash awards to free flights. and at a minimum every 1 in 10 wins free mini-bottles of liquor during flight beverage service. However, every 1 in 30 tickets scratches away to reveal your ticket has been voided, so you must play at your own risk.

The staff and crew are friendlier than ever. Stewards and stewardesses have been expertly trained in asian massage and can perform in the rear of the plane for a modest fee, with topless and bottomless lap dances available for purchase on some major flights. For the price of a small admissions ticket, passengers can also try the Aviator’s Adventure Session at the yolk in the cockpit, and sample the enormous pressure of the responsibility of the lives of hundreds and the fate of a multi-million dollar aircraft.

Safety has been redefined. In the event of cabin pressure failure, the planes are equipped to dispense a mixture of nitrous oxide and ecstasy through the masks in lieu of oxygen so that passengers can feel love and laughter in the cabin before dying horrifically upon impact. Cabin speakers boom soothing Enya music to drown out the worrisome sound of failing turbine engines and splintering wing metal. Also, seatbelts have been removed from the aircraft to prevent the well-known dangers of a seatbelt jam imprisoning you in your seat.

Time that’s not spent infinitely waiting in your gate has been decreased. Fair-Air has expedited ticketing by omitting the baggage screening process entirely and doing away with ticketing computers and inefficient human agents. Just drop however many bags you want on the automated conveyor and find your tickets on the Fair-Air corkboard, where tickets are thumb tacked up before flights. The Honor Code assures that you take only the tickets marked in your name.

Overbooked flights are no more. Fair-Air has improved flight capacity by allowing passengers to stand in the aisles like in subway cars, offering paired chair and lap tickets (lap riders fly at half price). Capacity has been further increased with the removal of lavatories and galleys, and the installation of seats that can incline but not recline.

Say goodbye to mechanical delays: Fair-Air is the only air fleet in the world that has mechanics skilled enough to conduct thorough maintenance schedules in mid-air during flight.

Earnings are expected to improve for Fair-Air as they continue to satisfy customers by not pretending to be great or even good like their shifty snake in the grass competitors, making up for it through a barrage of compensatory gimmicks.

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