Who would Jesus hate?

According to a 2004 survey conducted by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice, of the 10,667 people sexually abused by Catholic priests in the U.S. between 1950 and 2002, 81 percent were male.

The Vatican’s solution to this startling statistic, is discrimination of gays of course, combined with some good old fashioned ignorance. Why, you ask? Because hate, discrimination, and scapegoating simply makes gay people go away, duh.

Policies such as these have been successfully carried out in numerous societies worldwide throughout history – like how Nazi Germany made Jews disappear, and how the United States military made gay people in American stop being gay with “don’t ask don’t tell.”

Everybody knows that if you just ignore a “problem” – like pedophilia, or sexual abuse of children by “celibate” priests – your “problem” will simply correct itself. All you need is to have faith in God (a white, male, Christian God.) To all those who have been criticizing the Catholic Church for not reporting it’s child molesting priests to “legal authorities” and for perpetuating a flawed and discriminatory policy, please, go read a book.

Catholic priests are celibate, i.e. no sex. Zero. Zip. Nada. Cleary then, it is necessary to limit this sex that isn’t happening, to heterosexual sex. I mean, we can’t have priests not, not having gay sex. What kind of nonsensical hypocrisy that would be.

Perhaps thou were concerned about the remaining 19 percent of sexual abuse victims who are female. Don’t worry, instrucing priests from not having gay sex that they aren’t having obviously eliminates the problem of molestation and pedophilia of female parishioners as well as males.

Pedophilia schmedophilia – I know what’s really on your mind – how does one get their hands on one of those neck-to-ankle black priest suits? Aside from getting molested, the next best way is to join the priesthood. But what if you’re flaming homosexual, you ask? Don’t worry – the church will still let you be a priest. Just stop watching Ellen, driving your Mazda Miatas, and forget about the designer clothes. Thou see, the church allegedly doesn’t have any problem with homosexuals per se, merely practicing homosexuality. Actually, if thou used to be gay, but stopped being gay at least three years ago, thou art a shoo-in. According to the Vatican’s official directive concerning the admission of homosexuals to the priesthood,

“the Church-may not admit to the (priesthood) those who practice homosexuality, show profoundly deep-rooted homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called gay culture – If, however, one is dealing with homosexual tendencies that may be simply the expression of a transitory problem, such as for example an adolescence not yet complete, such tendencies must be overcome at least three years before ordination to the (priesthood.)”

See, the church doesn’t actually hate gay people – they just don’t recognize their individual worth as human beings. And it’s not like it was Jesus who once said, “blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” And it certainly wasn’t Jesus who said such crazy things like, “Love one another” – John 15:12. I must have drank too much sacrificial wine in church that Sunday.

See you in Hell, Pope Benedict – Perhaps some of those child-molesting pedophile priests of yours will be kind enough to keep your seat warm, unless of course they’re still too busy molesting little boys.

Amen.