The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Kiana Meagher is a journalism sophomore and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

For years, the lack of streetlights in San Luis Obispo has raised many concerns among the Cal Poly community. The neighborhoods surrounding campus consist of predominantly college-aged kids, and many families believe it’s important for students to be able to walk to and from class safely. 

After the election in 2018, it was announced that only one streetlight would be installed every year and in a letter to the editor, why the plans for Street Light Installation Program were moving at a snail’s pace.

At first, people were frustrated about how slow the city was moving in the illumination process. However, eight months later, students are now seeing the benefits of the lack of lights in their small, college town. 

Business administration fourth-year Brad Buchanan says the lack of streetlights on Hathaway Avenue allows less chances for fines for his brotherhood’s parties. Buchanan is risk management chair of his fraternity and is responsible for any and all misdemeanors of his brothers. 

“When the cops pull up to roll one of our ragers, the boys know the first thing to do is hop in the bushes because there is no way they’ll be found,” Buchanan said.

On weekends, environmental and protection management sophomore Polly Pacheco is known for breaking the seal very early on in the night. When going out with friends, Pacheco was infamous for holding her bladder until she was literally about to burst, often peeing her pants to avoid getting caught.

“One night I had enough and decided to finally pee in the bushes,” Pacheco said.

After realizing there wasn’t a consequence, Pacheco now is a regular urinator in the bushes and carries a roll of toilet paper in her backpack at all times. 

“I can’t get in trouble if they can’t see,” Pacheco said, “the darkness is the best thing that has ever happened to my bladder.”

The lack of illumination doesn’t only benefit students under the influence. Computer science junior Tiffany Tate, a walking texter and self-described “klutz” credits the dark streets of SLO with allowing her clumsiness to be shaded in anonymity. 

“I’ve probably fallen on Hath[away Avenue] more times than I can count on both hands,” Tate said. “However, when people drive by they only see a figure on the ground, they don’t know it’s me.  ” 

Buchanan, Pacheco and Tate have all collaborated this year to form a new advocacy club: Students Against Streetlights. The club meets Mondays at 8 p.m. on the corner of Hathaway Avenue and Longview Lane. Meetings cover ways to halt any advancement made in the Street Light Installation Program and usually end by playing fun games like flashlight tag and glow-in-the-dark limbo. Fun snacks are provided by the club officers, though they’re often misplaced during the meeting because no one can find where they put them in the dark.

“We say 8 p.m. but it’s more like a tentative 8 p.m-8:45 p.m. because we know no one can see  where they are or where they are going,” Pacheco said, “No lights no problem.”

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